Mind Body Mama: Orientation

This is the letter I will probably send Small’s first grade teacher:

Dear Ms. Bee,

Please consider Birth Pie and Dr. Isaac authorized to collect Small from school.

These are the numbers I can be reached at during the day: blah, blah, blah.

Small is looking forward to first grade. She is especially excited about science and geography. We enjoyed the math games you taught us in June. The most recent book Small has read is blah, blah, blah….

This is the letter I should send to Small’s first grade teacher:

Dear Ms. Bee,

Please consider the Birth Pie and Dr. Isaac family to be seamlessly interchangeable with myself and Sweetiebabyhoneylicious. I would like to promise that I will send a note each time I arrange for them to collect our spawn, but it is unlikely that I will remember. If Birth Pie shows up and says she’s supposed to have my child, she’s likely to be correct. If she’s not correct, her house will be the first place I look for Small anyway, so you might as well release the kid.

If Dr. Isaac comes to collect all the children it might just be his turn. I’d like to say that it might be because Birth Pie and I have taken a spa day to drink fruity cocktails, sit in a hot tub and practice karate, although presumably not in that order or simultaneously. However it’s a lot more likely that one of us is having emergency surgery or a nervous breakdown. Don’t panic! Dr. Isaac is a highly trained first responder. He has expertise that will be immediately useful in any crisis, including mad Frisbee skills, the wherewithal to host a dinner party while his wife is zonked on painkillers, and the ability to supervise many children while reading The New Yorker. Everything is under control.

If Sweetiebabyhoneylicious shows up at mid-day to collect all the children, it might be because her Catholic employer observes a holiday schedule vastly different from our secular world. Or it could be Armageddon. You’ll know soon enough.

Small is really looking forward to first grade. She hopes that she will learn something, as she claims to have learned nothing in kindergarten. It is true that she read everything on the reading list recommended for those entering middle school the summer before kindergarten, so she had a bit of a leg up. On the other hand, we were courting homicidal disaster as I attempted to teach her how to write. If I heard, “How do you spell…?” one more time, I feel certain that my head would have exploded. Kindergarten averted that catastrophe and I am grateful.

Small would like you to know that she has had a long career as a super-hero serving as Ruler of the World and Ruler of the Universe and is now performing the duties of Earth Girl. In this capacity, she would like you to know that the United States is the second largest source of carbon dioxide on Earth. Her source for this statistic is an issue of National Geographic Magazine which she read while using the bathroom at her grandparent’s home. If you would like to reduce your own carbon foot print, either at school or at home, she will be glad to assist you.

Small enjoys reading Family Fun and Ranger Rick magazines. She recently saw “Tom and Jerry” for the first time although she prefers to refer to them as “Ben and Jerry.” Her favorite film-maker is Hayao Miyazaki. As a result of her devotion to Mr. Miyazaki’s work, she believes that she will develop the power of flight at the age of 13, at which time she will move to Finland on her broomstick and discover her unique magical powers.

I would like to tell you that I am available to volunteer in your classroom, but the truth is:

a.) I like very few children other than my own and Birth Pie’s, and most of the children I already like are, sadly, not in your class;

b.) While it is conceivable that I could come to like any or all of the children in your class on an individual basis, it will definitely not happen if I have to be in a small room with them all at the same time; and

c.) I need a break. I have been playing “Let’s pretend…” all summer, not to mention for the past five years. I am tired, so I am going back to work.

In case of emergency, please call Dr. Isaac. If he is unavailable, try my cell. I will try to remember to turn it on.

Lynne Marie