mind body mama: More on Maine
I am so very tired of the argument that my marriage somehow cheapens or invalidates or affects in any way the hetero marriages of gay hating bigots that I wanted to start this post with something like my current Facebook status:
“Seriously people, if you can think of a way that my marriage affects your marriage please let me know. I just don't see it.”
I thought that would be a good way to lead into a rant about how other people’s marriages don’t affect me either. You there living in your house loving your wife really have no impact on me here loving mine.
But as I went through my day I realized that it’s not true. I am very affected by the marriages of the people I know and love. And the biggest effect upon me is that I am inspired by them and I learn to be a better partner to my one and only Sweetiebabyhoneylicious.
From my parents, now and forever known as Bobbi and Grampy I learned that the race of marriage is sometimes more of the relay than the three-legged variety. That is to say, your partner might not always be right at your side. Like if he’s working two jobs to make ends meet and you’re home raising two little kids. Or if he’s reading on the porch and you’re pulling a Madame DeFarge down the beach with your girlfriends. But the important thing is that you keep running in the same direction.
From BirthPie and Dr. Frisbee I learned that it’s a good idea to plan on your partner changing. Because one day you’re a couple of hippies playing Ultimate and the next day you’re a doctor papa and a stay at home mama and you own a house and some cars and some cats and a boat. And that’s just how you change on the outside. Pledging to love the person your partner becomes as they change and grow and become more deeply and beautifully themselves is a more exciting—and more realistic—troth than thinking you’ll grow old with the same person with whom you fell in love.
From Janet Superhero and her beloved I learned that when you take quiet and steady delight in your partner your love shines on everyone around you.
From Auntie Ollie and her stories of Uncle Runaway I learned that the heat of new passion can warm a heart seventy years later.
From the Life Coach and her new betrothed I learned that there is no more extreme sport than risking one’s heart in mid-life. And perhaps no sweeter thrill.
From Lida and Bill I learned that “cherish” is something you can see in someone’s eyes and hear in someone’s voice when they talk about their beloved. Even, or maybe especially, when the beloved isn’t listening.
And from these friends and these before them I learned that love endures all things, even the cruelest loss.
In her mama blog this week Sarah Buttenweiser claimed the mantra more love is more love as her motto for open adoption. I think it’s applicable to gay marriage too. More love is more love! Me and Sweetiebabylicious living in our house loving each other, raising our Small—that does affect other people. It affects you in a good way. We add our small ripple of love to the sum total of joy and love in this universe. We reflect a bigger love—some might say a divine love—in our effort to walk this mortal path together.
And the only thing that can keep someone from basking in the light of our love, the only thing that can harbor them from compassion and inspiration for and from us, the only thing that can limit the positive influence of our love on the world is if someone puts up walls of hate in his own heart.
That is the saddest story about what happened on Tuesday in Maine.
“Seriously people, if you can think of a way that my marriage affects your marriage please let me know. I just don't see it.”
I thought that would be a good way to lead into a rant about how other people’s marriages don’t affect me either. You there living in your house loving your wife really have no impact on me here loving mine.
But as I went through my day I realized that it’s not true. I am very affected by the marriages of the people I know and love. And the biggest effect upon me is that I am inspired by them and I learn to be a better partner to my one and only Sweetiebabyhoneylicious.
From my parents, now and forever known as Bobbi and Grampy I learned that the race of marriage is sometimes more of the relay than the three-legged variety. That is to say, your partner might not always be right at your side. Like if he’s working two jobs to make ends meet and you’re home raising two little kids. Or if he’s reading on the porch and you’re pulling a Madame DeFarge down the beach with your girlfriends. But the important thing is that you keep running in the same direction.
From BirthPie and Dr. Frisbee I learned that it’s a good idea to plan on your partner changing. Because one day you’re a couple of hippies playing Ultimate and the next day you’re a doctor papa and a stay at home mama and you own a house and some cars and some cats and a boat. And that’s just how you change on the outside. Pledging to love the person your partner becomes as they change and grow and become more deeply and beautifully themselves is a more exciting—and more realistic—troth than thinking you’ll grow old with the same person with whom you fell in love.
From Janet Superhero and her beloved I learned that when you take quiet and steady delight in your partner your love shines on everyone around you.
From Auntie Ollie and her stories of Uncle Runaway I learned that the heat of new passion can warm a heart seventy years later.
From the Life Coach and her new betrothed I learned that there is no more extreme sport than risking one’s heart in mid-life. And perhaps no sweeter thrill.
From Lida and Bill I learned that “cherish” is something you can see in someone’s eyes and hear in someone’s voice when they talk about their beloved. Even, or maybe especially, when the beloved isn’t listening.
And from these friends and these before them I learned that love endures all things, even the cruelest loss.
In her mama blog this week Sarah Buttenweiser claimed the mantra more love is more love as her motto for open adoption. I think it’s applicable to gay marriage too. More love is more love! Me and Sweetiebabylicious living in our house loving each other, raising our Small—that does affect other people. It affects you in a good way. We add our small ripple of love to the sum total of joy and love in this universe. We reflect a bigger love—some might say a divine love—in our effort to walk this mortal path together.
And the only thing that can keep someone from basking in the light of our love, the only thing that can harbor them from compassion and inspiration for and from us, the only thing that can limit the positive influence of our love on the world is if someone puts up walls of hate in his own heart.
That is the saddest story about what happened on Tuesday in Maine.
posted by Lynne Marie Wanamaker at
7:44 PM
5 Comments:
My mom volunteered with the group in maine in support of gay marriage. she made phone calls and had petitions signed and met some really great people along the way. truth be told, she's more upset about the way things went than i am. i sent her a "keep on keepin' on" email reminding her that this movement in some ways is still in it's infancy - look at how long it took women to get the vote, or to "end" segregation - and that just the fact that within the last 5 years several states have legalized gay marriage is huge.
i also sent her the link to this string of blog entries, Lynne Marie, and she took much comfort in your thoughts.
just wanted to let you know that your words traveled all the way up to maine and soothed a disappointed ally's heart.
hey lynn marie,
thanks for your post. i finally found your blog because jenn linked it on facebook =)
you might be interested in a talk at umass on monday afternoon. it's given by lee badgett, an economics professor and the director of the center for public policy here at umass. she's speaking about her research on the effect of gay marriage on societies [including the effect (or lack thereof) on straight couples]. it's at 4pm, in the bernie dallas room in the goodell building.
ajs
Lynne,
This is a strong and beautiful and yet incredibly vulnerable post. I was honored to read it, and your thoughts on the meaning of your life and your relationship. I have dated more women than men in my life and I often feel lucky for myself that, in the end, it was a man I chose. Because it is easier that way. For society. For me. For my kids.
And it really was a toss up, you know? Oh and the fact that there was a complete and total accidental pregnancies in there. See the hazards of the opposite sex? Geez!
Lynne - I am so glad Sarah pointed me over here to read this post. Sometimes it saddens me that people think/feel/some will even say know that what others do effects them in negative ways. While I agree that your marriage affects others, people need to see that any healthy, happy relationship is good for the community as a whole!
Thank you for sharing your marriage with all of us as you are a part of our world and an important part!
Lynne! Thank you for writing this. I love what you say about running in the same direction. That is a wonderful and positive way to address the change that we all face in our lives. Our lives as partners and spouses. My (male) sweetie and I aren't married. Legally. Everyone assumes that we are, and I rarely correct them anymore. But I am acutely aware of the need to define marriage for everyone. And it feels strange to me, still, that I used the word "marriage" in a post that described our relationship, simply because "loving partnership" didn't seem FULL enough. SERIOUS enough. It's a strange place to be in when you feel you need to defend the choices you've made to marry or not to. But we all all all should have the right. And maybe there should be another term that describes a committed relationship that is equivalently powerful as "marriage." Or maybe I just need to be a little more confident. Thanks for making me think (more) about this.
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